It has been over a year since I last wrote something. How my life has changed. I said that I could not wait to share my testimony on how good God has been. Well, here it is...
One of my blogs I wrote was about trials. I had no idea that I was about to face the biggest trial of my adult life. My (ex)husband ended up leaving me. He gave no explanation other than he did not love me as much as he loved his work. Although I begged, pleaded and prayed for him to stay, he left anyway. I could not understand what I had done wrong. It was not only a blow to my confidence, it was a blow to my faith. How could God allow this to happen? What about my prayers? Why weren`t they answered.
To make matters worse, my mom had terminal cancer. Within a few short months, her condition deteriorated. But before her death, my mom really helped me see the silver lining. I desperately wanted children, as do most women my age. My (ex) husband, who already had three children, had had a vasectomy. In order for us to conceive a child, he would have to have a reversal and there was no guarantee that it would be successful. Not only that, it was expensive and we did not have the money. Our work schedules were complete opposite. I worked days, he worked nights and weekends. I spent most of my free time alone. When we were together, he was often distracted by the stresses of work. My mom helped me to see that at the end of the day, I had not been happy. I had wanted to be happy and tried very hard to make the best of it, but I was sad, lonely and disappointed. My mom helped me to see that at thirty-two years old, I had the chance to start over.
My mom passed away in October. My faith took another hit. How could God take my mom? I felt orphaned, as silly as that sounds. The one person I could ALWAYS count on was gone. What would I do now? I felt like a teenager, wanting desperately to rebel. I was angry, brokenhearted, and desperate for answers. I had trouble praying and didn`t feel like reading my bible. I listened to worship music in my car and that was even hard on some days. It took me a few months before I realized that I could not hold a grudge for the loss of my mom.
Looking back, I can see that God really did answer my prayers. I had prayed to be happy. I am now in a happy, healthy relationship. It took some time but I realized that my value doesn`t come from what others think of me, I know who I am in Christ. I know that although things don`t always go my way, God`s way is best. I am so grateful that He loves me. He knows everything about me and despite my faults, loves me still. Jeremiah 1:5 says "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you; I have appointed you a prophet to the nations."
Thank you Lord!
